Alyssa: Let's just go ahead and get Rhianna out of the way. Chris Brown, what do you have to say about this?
Chris: I'm trying to say something that's not a spousal abuse joke. Don't type that.
Alyssa: Too late.
Chris: Let's just keep moving. It's only going to go downhill from here.
Alyssa: Ciara looks like one of those floofy wreaths that are popular right now.
Chris: She looks like one of those things you wash yourself off with in the bath.
Alyssa: A loofah?
Chris: A loofah.
Alyssa: Ron Weasley looked nice in his Muggle clothes.
Chris: Hermione could do better.
Alyssa: Taylor Swift tried to do a sparklier version of K-Middy. Winner? Kate.
Chris: I'm sick of everything that has to do with Taylor Swift. I don't understand why, on every show, we have to pan to see Taylor Swift's reaction. As if it matters.
Alyssa: Katy Perry found an after-Christmas special on icicle lights and made them in to a dress. Upcycyling! I do like her hair color. It's funsies.
Chris: Where are the Superbowl sharks?!
Alyssa: Sadly, this didn't do anything for me. Sorry, Beyonce.
Chris: Meh.
Alyssa: Most people could not pull this off. Most people are not Gwen Stefani. Nicely done, Gwen.
Chris: Wasn't she wearing a red dress? She looked hot in the red dress. Put in a picture of that.
Alyssa: Here you go.
Chris: Fantastic.
Alyssa: Iggy Azalea wore challah bread on her head in case the show ran long and she needed a snack.
Chris: It looks like she has a bird's nest on her head.
Chris: Now I'm hungry for bread.
Alyssa: Jane Fonda wore what I'm going to call "Slytherin Catsuit."
Chris: That's...that's hideous. Doesn't somebody stop you when you're going to wear something like that?
Alyssa: Why won't Chris Brown go away? Not MY Chris Brown. This Chris Brown.
Chris: I was Chris Brown before he was Chris Brown. I want everyone to know that. Also, I can dance and rap better.
Alyssa: Zendaya stole these drapes from The Hampton Inn and made them in to a dress. Low rates starting at $129/night! Breakfast included!
Chris: It looks more like the carpet at Gaylord hotel.
Alyssa: You've been to all of them, you would know.
Alyssa: You're not relevant anymore, Madonna. Go home.
Chris: Ugh. She just looks so awful all the time. I feel bad saying that. But she looks really, really bad. She should stop going to things.
Alyssa: I'm sure Kanye picked out this Golden Girls style bath robe for Kim.
Chris: Do you think it bothers her that she sits around all these people that won Grammys, and the only reason she's there is that she was in a porno? I'm sure her 40 billion dollars helps her sleep at night.
Alyssa: I actually mostly liked the ensemble Dave Grohl's wife put together. You get the idea that after this, she's going to go feed the chickens and play the guitar on their farm. (I doubt they live on a farm.)
Chris: I'm pretty sure living in the Grohl household is the coolest thing ever. I want Dave Grohl to be my dad.
Alyssa: What about your actual dad?
Chris: He's great and all, but he's not a rock star.
Alyssa: Melissa Rivers is still clearly in mourning. I'm mourning this fashion choice.
Chris: What's up with the pant suits? It's better than the green one that what's her face [Jane Fonda] had.
Alyssa: Helen Lasichanh and Pharell, dressed as a Nike Ad and Boyz II Men circa 1990, respectively.
Chris: Are you sure that's a girl? It kind of looks like she's packing some heat down there!
Alyssa: Jenny Lewis looks like an entertainer for a children's birthday party.
Chris: It kind of looks like she had a white pant suit, and she was painting with watercolor, and the cat knocked watercolor all over her.
Alyssa: The cat got things kind of uniform, don't you think?
Chris: I think it happened. And then she decided it was fashionable and decided to roll with it.
Alyssa: Charli XCX, this isn't the prom. Or 1986.
Chris: Did she kill a polar bear?!
Alyssa: Keltie Knight is wearing a dress made of carbonite.
Chris: That's exactly what it looks like. I don't know what else to say about that.
Alyssa: Tracey Edmonds couldn't decide if she wanted to wear a dress or lingerie, so she wore both. Sort of.
Chris: That's one of the nicer looking outfits you've picked out, actually.
Alyssa: Kelly Osbourn looks like she was just attacked by a pack of rabid first graders with glue sticks, who affixed cotton balls to her black dress.
Chris: Woah. It looks like an optical illusion. All those dots!
Alyssa: Hot mess express coming through! I'm mostly confused by Pauley Perrette's tattoos. It's like someone played hangman on her back.
Chris: Maybe she's really in to stick figures. And a dragonfly? Flower? Atom?
Alyssa: I really liked this dress that Kat Graham wore. I wonder where she got it. I'd like one for my next gala event.
Chris: Yeah, it's a nice-looking dress.
Alyssa: Jane Lynch wandered out of a small business in the Midwest and on to the red carpet. Don't forget to turn in your time sheet, Jane!
Chris: She does look like an HR Manager at a large corporation.
Alyssa: HR Managers don't dress like that. I don't dress like that.
Chris: Well you don't, but I think most HR Managers do.
Alyssa: We have some work to do as a profession, then.
Alyssa: And we'll end with Kanye. Pretty sure my mom owned this velvet ensemble in the mid-90s. And she still has that necklace. Stop stealing from my mom, Kanye.
Chris: Well, he looks really comfy, so I can't really fault him.
Alyssa: Any closing thoughts?
Chris: This seriously lacks any pictures of Kate Hudson.
Alyssa: Here you go.
Chris: You're welcome, Internet.
Alyssa: Thanks for reading, Internet! We'll see you soon for the Oscars!
Chris: I'm trying to say something that's not a spousal abuse joke. Don't type that.
Alyssa: Too late.
Chris: Let's just keep moving. It's only going to go downhill from here.
Alyssa: Ciara looks like one of those floofy wreaths that are popular right now.
Chris: She looks like one of those things you wash yourself off with in the bath.
Alyssa: A loofah?
Chris: A loofah.
 |
| Wreath? |
 |
| Or loofah? |
Chris: Hermione could do better.
Alyssa: Taylor Swift tried to do a sparklier version of K-Middy. Winner? Kate.
Chris: I'm sick of everything that has to do with Taylor Swift. I don't understand why, on every show, we have to pan to see Taylor Swift's reaction. As if it matters.
Chris: Where are the Superbowl sharks?!
Alyssa: Sadly, this didn't do anything for me. Sorry, Beyonce.
Chris: Meh.
Alyssa: Most people could not pull this off. Most people are not Gwen Stefani. Nicely done, Gwen.
Chris: Wasn't she wearing a red dress? She looked hot in the red dress. Put in a picture of that.
Alyssa: Here you go.
Chris: Fantastic.
Alyssa: Iggy Azalea wore challah bread on her head in case the show ran long and she needed a snack.
Chris: It looks like she has a bird's nest on her head.
Alyssa: Jane Fonda wore what I'm going to call "Slytherin Catsuit."
Chris: That's...that's hideous. Doesn't somebody stop you when you're going to wear something like that?
Alyssa: Why won't Chris Brown go away? Not MY Chris Brown. This Chris Brown.
Chris: I was Chris Brown before he was Chris Brown. I want everyone to know that. Also, I can dance and rap better.
Alyssa: Zendaya stole these drapes from The Hampton Inn and made them in to a dress. Low rates starting at $129/night! Breakfast included!
Chris: It looks more like the carpet at Gaylord hotel.
Alyssa: You've been to all of them, you would know.
Alyssa: You're not relevant anymore, Madonna. Go home.
Chris: Ugh. She just looks so awful all the time. I feel bad saying that. But she looks really, really bad. She should stop going to things.
Alyssa: I'm sure Kanye picked out this Golden Girls style bath robe for Kim.
Chris: Do you think it bothers her that she sits around all these people that won Grammys, and the only reason she's there is that she was in a porno? I'm sure her 40 billion dollars helps her sleep at night.
Alyssa: I actually mostly liked the ensemble Dave Grohl's wife put together. You get the idea that after this, she's going to go feed the chickens and play the guitar on their farm. (I doubt they live on a farm.)
Chris: I'm pretty sure living in the Grohl household is the coolest thing ever. I want Dave Grohl to be my dad.
Alyssa: What about your actual dad?
Chris: He's great and all, but he's not a rock star.
Alyssa: Melissa Rivers is still clearly in mourning. I'm mourning this fashion choice.
Chris: What's up with the pant suits? It's better than the green one that what's her face [Jane Fonda] had.
Alyssa: Helen Lasichanh and Pharell, dressed as a Nike Ad and Boyz II Men circa 1990, respectively.
Chris: Are you sure that's a girl? It kind of looks like she's packing some heat down there!
Alyssa: Jenny Lewis looks like an entertainer for a children's birthday party.
Chris: It kind of looks like she had a white pant suit, and she was painting with watercolor, and the cat knocked watercolor all over her.
Alyssa: The cat got things kind of uniform, don't you think?
Chris: I think it happened. And then she decided it was fashionable and decided to roll with it.
Alyssa: Charli XCX, this isn't the prom. Or 1986.
Chris: Did she kill a polar bear?!
Alyssa: Keltie Knight is wearing a dress made of carbonite.
Chris: That's exactly what it looks like. I don't know what else to say about that.
Alyssa: Tracey Edmonds couldn't decide if she wanted to wear a dress or lingerie, so she wore both. Sort of.
Chris: That's one of the nicer looking outfits you've picked out, actually.
Alyssa: Kelly Osbourn looks like she was just attacked by a pack of rabid first graders with glue sticks, who affixed cotton balls to her black dress.
Chris: Woah. It looks like an optical illusion. All those dots!
Alyssa: Hot mess express coming through! I'm mostly confused by Pauley Perrette's tattoos. It's like someone played hangman on her back.
Chris: Maybe she's really in to stick figures. And a dragonfly? Flower? Atom?
Alyssa: I really liked this dress that Kat Graham wore. I wonder where she got it. I'd like one for my next gala event.
Chris: Yeah, it's a nice-looking dress.
Alyssa: Jane Lynch wandered out of a small business in the Midwest and on to the red carpet. Don't forget to turn in your time sheet, Jane!
Chris: She does look like an HR Manager at a large corporation.
Alyssa: HR Managers don't dress like that. I don't dress like that.
Chris: Well you don't, but I think most HR Managers do.
Alyssa: We have some work to do as a profession, then.
Alyssa: And we'll end with Kanye. Pretty sure my mom owned this velvet ensemble in the mid-90s. And she still has that necklace. Stop stealing from my mom, Kanye.
Chris: Well, he looks really comfy, so I can't really fault him.
Alyssa: Any closing thoughts?
Chris: This seriously lacks any pictures of Kate Hudson.
Alyssa: Here you go.
Alyssa: Thanks for reading, Internet! We'll see you soon for the Oscars!