My hilarious friends Kelley and Christopher invited me over for the Oscars so that we could judge red carpet looks. Kelley is one of the few people in my life that makes me laugh without fail, and she blogs her adventures--and misadventures--over at The Lundscape.
Kelley warned me prior to coming over that they were more "Shame" than "Squad," so that's how we ended up with three types of dip. This was fortuitous, though, because the dips sustained us through grueling hours of pausing and rewinding live coverage, swapping drink recipes we learned on vacation, and discussing what award shows would be like on Middle Earth.
Let's dive right in, shall we?
Kelley: Janelle Monae's dress was sponsored by the Audubon society.
Christopher: This looks like "Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen meets Marie Antoinette."
(It is revealed that the designer is Elie Saab.)
Alyssa: I'm pretty sure Elie Saab went on a coke bender.
Kelley: Sting has clearly used "Just for Men."
Christopher: He's been in a few too many Fields of Gold.
Kelley: On the red carpet, he looked like he was going to bite Ryan Seacrest in the neck.
Alyssa: And the LAST thing we need is a vampire Ryan Seacrest.
Alyssa: What do we think about Isabelle Huppert? I'm not a fan of this.
Kelley: Her hair looks like I tried to do it.
(Alyssa's after-the-fact note: K-Middy basically wore this dress today. It's still ugly.)
See?!?!
Kelley: Teresa Palmer is wearing a curtain, and the belt might decode something. Maybe it will tell us what she did with her hair.
Alyssa: Ava Duvernay's dress combines everything I hate about turtlenecks, high waistlines, and taffeta.
Kelley: My mom had a bed skirt that looked like this dress.
Christopher: (taking a break from making us chicken wings and smoothies) "Holy ****!"
Kelley: She's Miss Mazola Corn Oil 2017. She also has 0 grams of trans fat.
Alyssa: She IS Miss Mazola Corn Oil.
Alyssa: I love Chrissy Teigan's earrings. But this dress looks like a modern interpretation of the Golden Girls. And it is a little too tight. Alas, Spanx, we cannot thank you for being a friend.
Alyssa: I feel like Dakota Johnson maybe joined the Cult of 80's Bridesmaids Butt Bows.
Kelley: The sister wives clearly helped her with her hair.
Christopher: Is wearing that dress in her contract with Christian Grey? That's the only explanation.
Alyssa: Emma Roberts is on the red carpet saying that she wants to "bring awareness to Sustainable Living." I'd like it if that top could sustain a little more fabric.
Kelley: She's ready for her mammogram!
Kelley: Felicity Jones' mom saved this ballet costume, and then she re-purposed it.
Christopher: The bottom half looks like something my mother would have draped over a cocktail table. You know what I'm talking about. You're Southern enough.
Alyssa: I totally know what you're talking about. And the cocktail table would have had a glass circle top on it, to prevent spills.
Christopher: YES!
Alyssa: This looks like when you're at a bridal shower and they make you play that game where you have to make a dress out of toilet paper.*
*Note: you should never ever make anyone play this game.
Kelley: Hey Jessica Biel, the sun god Ra wants his necklace back.
Alyssa: Justin Timberlake calls the dress "perfection." I call Justin Timberlake "a liar."
Kelley: The necklace looks like when Simba sings I Just Can't Wait to be King and ends up wearing a bunch of leaves.
I think the best conversation of the evening came when we were discussing my Red Carpet Boyfriend, John Legend, and how much I love him.
Kelley: Why is his bow tie so droopy? Does it double as a blindfold later?
Kelley's 8 year old daughter: Why would you need a blindfold?
Alyssa & Kelley: ..........
Kelley: So you don't see someone else win the Oscar!
Alyssa's note: Parents, you come up with 'explanations' like this all the time, don't you?!
Alyssa: I like what Karlie Kloss has going on. And I'm a sucker for a good cape. And an ACLU ribbon.
Kelley: I actually like her necklace. But the blue ribbon placement is unfortunate.
Christopher: It kind of screams, "you're the best cow at the fair!"
Alyssa: Kirsten Dunst nailed it. Dress, hair, necklace, makeup.
Christopher & Kelley: (silently agree, while making adult smoothies and replenishing the carrots and chips)
Kelley: I'm okay with Leslie Mann's dress except for the bow. It looks like Cinderella's first dress.
Alyssa: Where are some birds and mice when you need them?
Note: After they kept showing us this dress on tv, we eventually decided we hated it.
Alyssa: Octavia Spencer is Mother of the bride on top aaaaand....
Kelley: ...the feather duster in Beauty in the Beast on bottom.
Kelley: Oh no, another ugly gold dress!
Alyssa: Robin Givens, are you going through Jessica Biel's dirty laundry?!
Christopher: This looks exactly like the pillow our 8 year old wanted us to buy at Bed, Bath, and Beyond today.
Alyssa: What is THAT?!
Kelley: It's the shower curtain from Psycho.
Alyssa: Oh Scar Jo, it's okay, your hair will grow back.
Kelley: This is straight out of the Spring Preview for 1986 JC Penney.
Alyssa: Ooooh, I like this dress. How would you describe Taraji P. Henson's necklace?
Kelley: Fancy neckerchief.
Alyssa: I would wear that fancy neckerchief. Oh wait, that's not black velvet, it's actually a dark blue.
Kelley: Midnight blue velvet. We are on the midnight train to blue velvet. I'd rather live in neckerchief's world, than be unaccessoried in mine. Her eye makeup is on point.
Alyssa: I love Viggo Mortensen. I wonder what black tie on Middle Earth looks like. Do you think they give acceptance speeches about how evil Sauron is?
This devolved in to a discussion about cocktail attire on Middle Earth, which should just be its own blog.
Alyssa: Alicia Vikander is wearing the Butterick pattern for "My First Oscars Dress."
Kelley: Correction, it's a Simplicity pattern.
Alyssa: I stand corrected.
Christopher: Viola Davis, this is a dress you'd wear to get away with murder.
The group discusses that they like this dress. Then the camera pans down...
Kelley: Let's just agree to shoot her from the waist up, and she's perfection.
Alyssa: Agreed.
Kelley: Pharell looks like he went to the Mardi Gras of Death.
Alyssa: He went to the Lia Sophia party and tried everything on.
Kelley: And that Bad Origami collar is not helping.
Kelley: Busy Phillips' dress by Hotwheels. It looks like a race track.
Alyssa: Look, Charlize Theron, you can call gold lame "gunmetal," but it is still gold lame.
Christopher: She and Scar Jo went to the same hairdresser.
Kelley: They have 'Something about Mary' bangs. And Sia wants to swing from those chandelier earrings.
Christopher: Halle Berry's outfit is going down with her career.
Kelley: I don't hate it.
Their 8 year old daughter: The dress is pretty, but they should pick a color. They should just make it black.
Note: she's right.
Kelley: Casey Affleck is going to try sell us some local honey...
Alyssa: ...or seeds from his van.
Christopher: Naomie Harris looks like "Quick, I got an invitation to the Oscars! What can I make to wear out of items only found in my bathroom?"
Kelley: "I've got it! Wonderbra + non-skid tub mat skirt + bath sheet train!"
Note: Kelley was the first to notice that the shoes aren't symmetrical. Deep discussion about this. The group was unanimous in its hatred of these shoes.
Christopher: Denzel's wife's updo looks kind of like she's wearing an overcooked loaf of monkey bread.
Kelley: set oven to char!
Kelley: Mel Gibson and his girlfriend have inversely coordinating hair and outfit colors.
Christopher: She's wearing that Bulgari necklace that our daughter wants. It's a snake!
Alyssa: She's totally wearing the necklace of the heir of Slytherin. Enemies of the heir, beware!
Kelley: I like her choice of dress. I don't like her choice to date Mel Gibson.
Okay, so the final question of the night. And it's not "which was better, Moonlight or La La Land?" It is "who wore blue velvet the best?"
Alyssa: I'm gonna The Rock, because he's a big advocate of mental health and also I want to marry him if John Legend isn't available.
Kelley: I'm going with the midnight blue velvet on Taraji P. Henson, because midnight blue is the best blue.
Christopher: I'm voting for not Michael Strahan, because he's not allowed to win anything.
So there you have it! We now return you to your regularly scheduled onion dip.
Kelley warned me prior to coming over that they were more "Shame" than "Squad," so that's how we ended up with three types of dip. This was fortuitous, though, because the dips sustained us through grueling hours of pausing and rewinding live coverage, swapping drink recipes we learned on vacation, and discussing what award shows would be like on Middle Earth.
Let's dive right in, shall we?
Christopher: This looks like "Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen meets Marie Antoinette."
(It is revealed that the designer is Elie Saab.)
Alyssa: I'm pretty sure Elie Saab went on a coke bender.
Christopher: He's been in a few too many Fields of Gold.
Kelley: On the red carpet, he looked like he was going to bite Ryan Seacrest in the neck.
Alyssa: And the LAST thing we need is a vampire Ryan Seacrest.
Alyssa: What do we think about Isabelle Huppert? I'm not a fan of this.
Kelley: Her hair looks like I tried to do it.
(Alyssa's after-the-fact note: K-Middy basically wore this dress today. It's still ugly.)
See?!?!
 |
| The hair style in question. |
Kelley: My mom had a bed skirt that looked like this dress.
Kelley: She's Miss Mazola Corn Oil 2017. She also has 0 grams of trans fat.
Kelley: The sister wives clearly helped her with her hair.
Christopher: Is wearing that dress in her contract with Christian Grey? That's the only explanation.
Alyssa: Emma Roberts is on the red carpet saying that she wants to "bring awareness to Sustainable Living." I'd like it if that top could sustain a little more fabric.
Kelley: She's ready for her mammogram!
Kelley: Felicity Jones' mom saved this ballet costume, and then she re-purposed it.
Christopher: The bottom half looks like something my mother would have draped over a cocktail table. You know what I'm talking about. You're Southern enough.
Alyssa: I totally know what you're talking about. And the cocktail table would have had a glass circle top on it, to prevent spills.
Christopher: YES!
 |
| Exhibit A: The cocktail table. I totally had one of these as my bedside table growing up. Try not to be jealous. |
*Note: you should never ever make anyone play this game.
Alyssa: Justin Timberlake calls the dress "perfection." I call Justin Timberlake "a liar."
Kelley: The necklace looks like when Simba sings I Just Can't Wait to be King and ends up wearing a bunch of leaves.
Kelley: Why is his bow tie so droopy? Does it double as a blindfold later?
Kelley's 8 year old daughter: Why would you need a blindfold?
Alyssa & Kelley: ..........
Kelley: So you don't see someone else win the Oscar!
Alyssa's note: Parents, you come up with 'explanations' like this all the time, don't you?!
Kelley: I actually like her necklace. But the blue ribbon placement is unfortunate.
Christopher: It kind of screams, "you're the best cow at the fair!"
Christopher & Kelley: (silently agree, while making adult smoothies and replenishing the carrots and chips)
Alyssa: Where are some birds and mice when you need them?
Kelley: ...the feather duster in Beauty in the Beast on bottom.
Kelley: Oh no, another ugly gold dress!
Alyssa: Robin Givens, are you going through Jessica Biel's dirty laundry?!
Christopher: This looks exactly like the pillow our 8 year old wanted us to buy at Bed, Bath, and Beyond today.
 |
| The pillow in question. They were right not to buy it. But YOU can buy it here. |
Kelley: It's the shower curtain from Psycho.
Kelley: This is straight out of the Spring Preview for 1986 JC Penney.
Kelley: Fancy neckerchief.
Alyssa: I would wear that fancy neckerchief. Oh wait, that's not black velvet, it's actually a dark blue.
Kelley: Midnight blue velvet. We are on the midnight train to blue velvet. I'd rather live in neckerchief's world, than be unaccessoried in mine. Her eye makeup is on point.
This devolved in to a discussion about cocktail attire on Middle Earth, which should just be its own blog.
Alyssa: Alicia Vikander is wearing the Butterick pattern for "My First Oscars Dress."
Kelley: Correction, it's a Simplicity pattern.
The group discusses that they like this dress. Then the camera pans down...
Kelley: Let's just agree to shoot her from the waist up, and she's perfection.
Alyssa: Agreed.
Kelley: Pharell looks like he went to the Mardi Gras of Death.
Alyssa: He went to the Lia Sophia party and tried everything on.
Kelley: And that Bad Origami collar is not helping.
Kelley: Busy Phillips' dress by Hotwheels. It looks like a race track.
Alyssa: Look, Charlize Theron, you can call gold lame "gunmetal," but it is still gold lame.
Christopher: She and Scar Jo went to the same hairdresser.
Kelley: They have 'Something about Mary' bangs. And Sia wants to swing from those chandelier earrings.
Christopher: Halle Berry's outfit is going down with her career.
Kelley: I don't hate it.
Their 8 year old daughter: The dress is pretty, but they should pick a color. They should just make it black.
Note: she's right.
Kelley: Casey Affleck is going to try sell us some local honey...
Alyssa: ...or seeds from his van.
Christopher: Naomie Harris looks like "Quick, I got an invitation to the Oscars! What can I make to wear out of items only found in my bathroom?"
Kelley: "I've got it! Wonderbra + non-skid tub mat skirt + bath sheet train!"
Note: Kelley was the first to notice that the shoes aren't symmetrical. Deep discussion about this. The group was unanimous in its hatred of these shoes.
Kelley: set oven to char!
Kelley: Mel Gibson and his girlfriend have inversely coordinating hair and outfit colors.
Christopher: She's wearing that Bulgari necklace that our daughter wants. It's a snake!
Alyssa: She's totally wearing the necklace of the heir of Slytherin. Enemies of the heir, beware!
Kelley: I like her choice of dress. I don't like her choice to date Mel Gibson.
 |
| There's just no accounting for taste. |
Okay, so the final question of the night. And it's not "which was better, Moonlight or La La Land?" It is "who wore blue velvet the best?"
Alyssa: I'm gonna The Rock, because he's a big advocate of mental health and also I want to marry him if John Legend isn't available.
Kelley: I'm going with the midnight blue velvet on Taraji P. Henson, because midnight blue is the best blue.
Christopher: I'm voting for not Michael Strahan, because he's not allowed to win anything.
 |
| The Winner. |
 |
| The Not Winner. |
 |
| The backup. |
