Grammys dresses, rated

Remember those place mats you used to make in elementary art school class?  Well, Adele is wearing one.    

That being said, she can wear this place-mat-meets-Renaissance-Festival dress all she wants, because she's amazing.  
Grade: A

Andra Day's Liturgical Dance inspired dress makes me hungry for orange sherbet.  I do like the whole floral goddess hair situation.  I don't understand the shoes. And I want to buy her a nail file.
Grade: C+

Props on the paint suit, Michelle Pesce.  Lots of women worked hard so that you can wear pants! (Fun fact: women couldn't wear pants in the Senate until 1993.) Also, I want that top to wear on a beach, which is where it belongs.  Although, I'd have some weird sunburn/tan lines then, so maybe not.  And we get it, you're 'edgy' with your earrings and black lipstick, and weird side-do, and black nails.  This could have been a home run with a sheer blouse and different accessories.  
Grade: B-

Oooooh, Cassadee Pope.  This is one of my favorites of the evening.  The cowl could have been shortened and it would have looked sexier, in my opinion.  But I'd wear this dress because I bet it is heavy and noisy, and if people were obnoxious, I could just smack 'em real hard with the train.
Grade: A-

Okay first, congrats on those amazing arms, Cynthia Erivo!  That takes work, girl.  So much work, that I feel like you ran out of time to shop for a gown that doesn't look like Ursula the sea witch's prom dress.  You poor unfortunate soul.
Grade: C-

Dear Daya: I'm pretty sure this is the costume for Disney Cast Members on the Haunted Mansion ride.
Grade: C

 I'm a sucker for Enya and a little capelet and a column dress.That makeup is a little much, but minor in the scheme of things.
Grade: A

Sigh.  I feel like the "Ball Pit at McDonald's" joke it too obvious here.  So instead, I'm going to call this "mom was making one of those Barbie birthday cakes while drinking wine at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday, and just said 'screw it' and put some leftover bubble gum on the bottom so she could go watch Jimmy Fallon."
Grade: F

I feel like I've seen Ceelo Green wear this before.  But I'm trying to think where one would wear a looks-fancy-but isn't, all gold statement piece.  Gosh, I can't quite put my finger on it...

Oh, there it is!  Did you know that you can buy this exclusive outfit at Nordstrom?
Grade: A+, according to a couple of people at Customs & Border Patrol

Pssst!  Psst!  Halsey!  I hate to tell you this, but you forgot your top!
Also, the rest of this ensemble looks like Satin Combat Wear.  I bet it breathes really well.
Grade: D-

I love this color, love the bow, love the hair.  J-Lo knows how to work it.
Grade: A+

I don't really like the bow tie here on John Legend, but IT DOESN'T MATTER because he sang God Only Knows, and it was amazing, and why won't he marry me already?
Grade: A+

You may be thinking that this dress is garish, ill-fitting, and attention seeking; however this dress is beautiful and classy.  PERIOD! 

Anyone who says otherwise is making up Alternative Facts that they got from the FAKE NEWS media and they are wrong.  If you say anything disparaging, I will see you in court! Sad!
Grade: 3 to 5 Million A pluses!

I like that a lot of people did metallic this year, including Katy Perry.  And I love feathery fringe.  However, this icky drop-waisted feathery fringe looks like it has gotten dirty in some mop water.  And her hair has that "my mom is a cool mom and lets me dye it whenever I want, and this is the fourth time this month!" quality that looks like it will break off at any moment.
Grade: D

I'm afraid to say anything bad about this outfit because I respect Lady Gaga's philosophy on Being Yourself, and also because she could stab me to death with those sleeves.  I am sad that she fell prey to the Grammy Shirt Stealing Epidemic of 2017.
Grade: Um, C?

You know how you look after you've been up crying all night because you had to put your pet down, or your relationship ended, or you lost your job?  Well, Lea Michele has that look down.  I can't even get to the dress, I'm so worried about her eyes.
Grade: I feel like I shouldn't judge here, so how about a book of poetry about breakups instead?

Like me, you probably find Rhianna's hit "Umbrella" to be very catchy.  But I bet you don't know her newest hit, "You can stand under my weirdly-constructed faux fur skirt."  Also, her top is clearly violating the primary rule of fashion, which is: never cover up your tattoo of the goddess Isis with orange sparkles.
Grade: D-

Little House on the Prarie meets Double Dragon meets 80's bridesmaids dress.  Got it, Santigold.
Grade: D-

In case you don't know, this is Beyonce's sister, Solange Knowles.  This dress looks like it's probably pretty easy to move around in, which is key when you need to beat your brother-in-law up in an elevator.
Grade: C-

This, to me, is gorgeous.  I just want it to be a dress so bad!  But again, more power to the pants!  Thanks, Sophie Beem.
Grade: A

Taraji P. Henson, I see that you have an alien ship on your dress.  I assume this is the uniform of whatever planet you visited.
Grade: D

You know what bother's me the most about this hideous creation?  The treble clef is backwards.  If you're going to be weird at the music award show just for the sake of it, GET IT RIGHT.
Grade: F-