Super Bowl Commercials, rated

I'm really sick, so I'm not writing about what I'm eating (if you're really interested: water, ginger ale, toast, chicken soup, cucumbers, oranges).  Instead, I'll entertain you with what I thought about the Super Bowl Commercials.  Also, happy birthday, Chrys!

In no particular order:

Pierce Brosnan Reminds Us That He Was Once James Bond - You can tell Kia and Pierce both think that this commercial is HILARIOUS.  It is not.  2 out of 5, because I liked the cabin in the woods.  Which I hope is secretly named "Skyfall."  (Off topic: the last time I was under anesthesia, I woke up and told anyone that would listen that my nail color was OPI's Skyfall.  At least I didn't tell them any of my embarrassing secrets.  Or did I?  Hmmm....crap.)

Budweiser Makes Me Cry - Um, is someone cutting an onion in here?  This was great. Chris thought it was lame.  Conclusion?  Chris wants wolves to eat puppies.  I'm married to a monster.  5 out of 5.

Seriously, it's dusty in here.

Budweiser Mocks Craft Beer - This is the one that has my fellow craft beer drinkers up in arms, to which I say "guys, calm DOWN."  It's not like anyone is going to stop drinking craft beer and start drinking Bud because they saw this.  And no one is going to stop drinking Bud ad start drinking craft beer because they saw this.  Budweiser was trying to appeal to their rustic, 'Murica lovin' base and get them to buy more of their beer.  Which they probably did.  As for me, I'm going to go fuss over a pumpkin peach ale and give this a 5 out of 5.

Oooh, there's a pumpkin peach ale on tap?  Where?  I need to dissect it.

Carnival Cruises  Pretends Like Cruises Aren't Death Traps - Nice try, Carnival.  I will believe none of your "cruising is great" nonsense.  I know it's all Norovirus and life boats and overflowing toilets!  1 out of 5.

McDonald's Tries to Make You Love Your Family - I enjoy the idea that I could pay with love.  I hope they pick me the next time I'm in McDonald's, because I'm going to call Chris Hemsworth and tell him I love him.  Then I'll have free french fries AND a restraining order!  4 out of 5.

Oh Chris Hemsworth, you're MY Big N' Tasty.

Mercedes' Adulterous Tortoise and Hare Affair - You're better than this, Mercedes.  You really are.  2 out of 5 only because the Hare's wife was in the passenger seat.

I feel like they'd be incompatible in bed, because he'd want to take it slow.
Look, if Mercedes can make terrible jokes, so can I.

The Brady Bunch & Snickers - Let's talk for a moment about how I loved the Brady Bunch so much that I wanted to change my name to Marcia.  Thank God they don't let you do that when you're seven.  Also, I totally had a crush on Greg Brady.  He played football and surfed!  He had his own attic apartment!  But he couldn't go on a date with me because "Suddenly, something came up."  4 out of 5 for nostalgia purposes.

Coca-Cola's PTSD Commercial?  About Happiness? - I feel like Coke made anyone that had ever been cyberbullied regress about three years.  Not cool, Coke.  Not cool.  1 out of 5.

That's not even how this meme works!

Whatever Commercial Kim Kardashian Was In - 0 out of 5.  Obviously.

Kim gave an interview where she said she was prettier than Kate Middleton.
Kim, Her Royal Highness and Princess of the United Kingdom Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, and Lady Carrickfergus eats people like you for breakfast.
And only when she's in God-forsaken places like Stapleton Road.

Doritos: The Most Predictable Commercial Ever - Oh my gosh, the guy says the little boy can have his Doritos when pigs fly!  And then he makes a pig fly!  Can you believe it?!  1 out of 5, and you need to fire your ad agency, Doritos.  (Also, spell check knows how to spell Doritos.  Huh.)

#LikeAGirl - I love this commercial for so many reasons: 1) It's for Always, and for once, they're not pouring blue liquid on a maxi pad and then showing a woman running through a field like she's happy and doesn't want to murder everyone around her. 2) That girl in the tank top is for real, ya'll.  I just love her.  I want to pay for her to go to college.  3) I also want her rainbow tank top.  5 out of 5!

I hope she goes to Vassar.  Or Brown.

And now we get to the commercials that made us all want to jump off a bridge.  I have a theory that the anti-depressant lobby backed all of these.  That's right, I think Eli Lilly just wants to sell all of us a bunch of Prozac, and they dragged Nationwide and Nissan and Toyota with them.  I'M ON TO YOU, PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES!  0 out of 5.

So what was the best ad of the evening?  The very underrated Avocados from Mexico commercial.  It had everything: avocados, a polar bear in a sombrero, a sloth with "off the field issues," Doug Flutie commentating with a caveman, a dead Dodo bird.  AdWeek called it ridiculous and charming.  Just like me.  6 out of 5.