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Game of Thrones Week 3 Recap

When we left off, the purple wedding had just happened.
Hmmm, not exactly.
And we pick up with Cersei screaming that her brother (not the one she's sleeping with) murdered her incestuous psychopath of a son.  And you thought YOUR family gatherings were bad...
I don't even know where to look in this picture.  I guess at Cersei's necklace?
ANYWAY Sansa is running around the back alleys of King's Landing wearing a really bitchin' cape.
Note to self: get a cape.
And she gets in a rowboat with Dontos, who rows her to the Black Pearl from the Pirates of the Caribbean. 
 And aboard it is the true murderer of the king, who is none other than...
No no no no no.  It's not Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.  But it is Littlefinger, and I hate him almost as much.
So Littlefinger, who did Sansa such a huge favor by having her dad killed, does her another huge favor by killing the knight that saved her with a cross bow, and then tops it all off by  implicating her in the king's murder!  Littlefinger tells Sansa that she's safe with him and because she is still a total moron (how is she one of the remaining living Starks?), she appears to believe him.  Or be in shock.  Or something.
Nope, not for really reals, Sansa.

Then we see Grandma Tyrell and Margaery having a chat about last week's blog post--namely that she has really bad taste in men.  

They're either gay, or sociopaths, or whatever.  Well newsflash honey: if you still want to be THE Queen, you're either going to marry a sixth grader or Stannis Baratheon.  Kind of a toss up if you ask me.
At least they recast the actor to look less like a carny from your local fair.
 The Lannister clan is gathered around Joffrey's body so they can trash talk him, have a conversation about puberty, and then move on to some sibling rape.  Did that really happen?  Uhhhhhhhhh....
Again: you thought YOUR family was dysfunctional?
Daddy Lannister then heads off to interrupt Oberon Martell's orgy (which to be fair to Daddy Lannister, seems to be what Oberon does about 90% of the time) and to ask him to be on the panel of judges for Tyrion's murder trial, along with Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.

 Daddy Lannister asks Oberyn to join the PTA and be in the Neighborhood Watch, and all sorts of stuff so that Oberyn can avenge his sister's death.  Wait, didn't Daddy Lannister give the order to kill Oberon's sister?
"Congratulations, you're going to Hollywood!"
Speaking of Tyrion, Podrick visits him so that the audience can understand that he's not the real murderer, and that his trial is a sham.  Pod and Tyrion end their bromance.  Sad.
"You and I could have a sad bromance."
Meanwhile, Arya and the Hound are still wandering around and eating soup together.
"Did you check the soup menu at Panera?  I hope they have tomato bisque today!"
Next we head North to Jon Snuh's former girlfriend, who is busy killing people for her cannibal friends to eat.  Uh, gross.  Then we are tortured Ramsay-Snow style by the antics of Sam and Gilly, during which time I wrote thank you notes for my birthday gifts.
There's someone for everyone?
For our patience, we are rewarded with some Daenerys Targaryen, who is continuing to be a bad ass, and looks about to acquire another army.
Seriously.  I need a cape.
One of her soldiers that wants to ask her to the prom, Daario Naharis, kills a horse with a letter opener and then pees on the ground.  Turns out that the first actor that played Daario dropped out of the show.
Brilliant career move, dude.
So they brought in... this guy?
The resemblance is uncanny.
Okay, to recap: 

  • dead groom/king/psychopathic product of incest
  • Sansa still being a moron and Littlefinger still being an ass
  • girl talk with grandma about dead husbands!
  • birds & bees chat/speaking ill of the dead/sibling rape 
  • orgy, interrupted
  • sad bromance
  • soup of the day
  • some boring stuff at the wall
  • equine murder with office supplies
  • bad casting calls

The End!  Cue "The Rains of Castamere," the only song ever to be written in all of Westeros.

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