Golden Globes Fashion, rated

First, we need to get something out of the way...don't wear red on the red carpet.  Duh.

It doesn't work even if you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.

 Or if you go short and shapeless in jacquard.  Well, she was presenting an award to Clooney, so I think she knew no one cared about her anyway.

 Or if you bring Robert Duvall.

 A weird criss-cross thing doesn't help.

 Not even just being Heidi Klum can save you.

 Just...no, Allison Janey.  Apparently those Kaiser Permanente commercials are not paying the bills, and she had to steal this from her grandma's closet.

 Extra beads won't help.  For God's sake, you played Queen Elizabeth, Helen Mirren!  Get it together!

 Neither will the ruffles.  ALLLLL the ruffles, Allison Williams.

 Or a belt.  But good job trying, Kate Mara.  You can still be one of my secret pretend friends.

 Or a weird front pleat that makes your stomach look big.  Weird.

 Is Lena Dunham drunk?!  I think Lena Dunham is drunk.  Or perhaps this is just her regular face.  Is this her regular posture?  She should do some core exercises, maybe?

Okay, on to the actual commentary.

Alyssa: Kathy Bates looks very unhappy in this outfit that she got from the Women's department of JCPenney in 1997.
Chris: I think she maybe got it from Marshall's.  She looks really, really unhappy.  Maybe her grandson didn't pick her up on time or something?  PS-who is the hottie in the purple behind her?

 Alyssa: What's worse--the hair or the dress?  Verdict: tie.

Chris:  Is that the Incredible Hulk's girlfriend?!  You would think he could pull something better than that!

Alyssa: Way to match your tie to your shirt to your jacket to your pants to you complexion.  I'm disappointed that the shoes aren't the same color, which I could only describe as "Caucasian."

Chris: Uuugh, Johnny Weir.
(Alyssa's note: this is not Johnny Weir.)

Alyssa: If Hefty made red carpet looks.

Chris: What a mess.  Why is her hair two different colors like that?  Who is that?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

Alyssa: No fashion commentary, I just wanted to note that Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford are still together.  Who would have thought?

Chris: Wait, wait, wait, wait.  Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are married?  How old is she?  Why does her face look like the Joker?

Alyssa: This is a cross between a kimono and a Star Wars outfit.  It doesn't work.

Chris: I don't know, man.  She looks like she might be a samuri or something.  But I don't see a katana.

Alyssa: Did Frederick's of Hollywood make this?  She probably spent a lot of money to look this trashy.
Chris: This picture just screams "Florida" to me.  I just came from a business trip in Florida and everyone looks like that.  Know what I mean?

Alyssa: This looks like an ugly Olympic team swimsuit made in to a dress.

Chris: I don't know, it's probably the most normal one so far.  It's got sparkles.  It's sparkly.

Alyssa: Pretty sure this is made of sateen napkins stolen from her wedding reception.

Chris: Woah. Woah.  This is like looking at a skeleton.
Alyssa: She had cancer.
Chris: Oh man, now I feel bad.  Don't write anything bad about her.

Alyssa: Clearly Melissa McCarthy has no friends, because not one person told her not to leave the house in this.

Chris:  When is Melissa McCarthy going to go away?  I hate everything that she's in.  Everyone thinks she's funny, but she's not.  I'm not even going to comment on her dress.

Alyssa: I really like this.  Leave it to Kelly Osbourne to bring some class.

Chris: Where's Jack Osbourne at?  He's not there?

Alyssa: Lourde looks pretty pissed off that the cleaners lost her dress and she has to wear a giant men's suit and a workout top, along with a necklace from Claire's.

Chris: Lourde, Lourde, Lourde.  Anyone who watches South Park will enjoy that.
Alyssa: Do you have anything to say about what she's wearing?
Chris: She looks like she got ready for work and forgot her shirt.

Alyssa: LOVE THIS.  A breath of fresh air from Shaun Robinson.  Even if it is the color of toothpaste.
Chris: What kind of toothpaste are you using?  That doesn't look like toothpaste!  It reminds me of a leprechaun or St. Patrick's Day.  Nah, it's too light.  It's like a seabreeze.
(Alyssa's note: I don't know if he's been drinking.)

Alyssa: Apparently Laura Prepon from That 70's Show is going through her goth phase late.

Chris:  Aww, man.  Why is she not a red head anymore?  She was a lot hotter when she was a red head.  And that dress is not very fitting--what's the word I'm looking for?  Complementary?

Alyssa: I'm pretty sure I saw this in the Prom issue of 'TEEN magazine growing up.

Chris:  Who IS that?  I don't know who any of these people are.  Where is Kate Hudson?  Kate Hudson looked amazing.

Alyssa: Well, in her defense, even Zosia Mamet knows this is bad.  Just like her name.  Zosia Mamet.  It sounds like a new type of monotreme just discovered in the Outback.

Chris: I don't know, she looks kind of frumpy.  Like frumpy 50's housewife chic.  This is still not Kate Hudson.

Alyssa: You work that chainmail cape, J-Lo!

Chris: All I remember is seeing her on stage and seeing how sparkly she was, and thinking "someone had to sparkle her."  This chic has sparkly body lotion that probably costs more than my house.  But great cleavage though.  That was great.  Did you see where Hawkeye was like "you've got the globes?"

Alyssa: She's so pretty that I just wanna throw acid on her.

Chris: CLEAR WINNER.  Of whatever the contest is here.

Alyssa: I want this dress.  Chris, steal it for me!

Chris: Who is this?
Alyssa: Catherine Heigl.
Chris: Is it really?  Hey, she looks hot, and I hope she does well in that new terrible drama that she has on ABC or whatever.

Alyssa: Robin Wright, quit being a weirdo and dress how Claire Underwood would dress.  This is terrible.

Chris:  Who is that with her?
Alyssa: I don't know.
Chris: Maybe she's in to Gingers.  Seriously, though, when is House of Cards Season 3 coming out?

Alyssa: They're using these dresses to hide all of the booze and pills so they don't get nervous hosting.  And I DON'T BLAME THEM.

Chris: See, I didn't think Tina looked all that great all night, and I even find her pretty attractive.  Amy looked hot in that low cut dress.  She looks like Barbara Bush in this picture.

Alyssa: Why is Amelia Warner hiding an emu under there?

Chris: OH!  That looks uncomfortable.  Very itchy.

Alyssa: you want to make a dress out of aluminum foil, Dakota Johnson?  Um, okay.  Well, I hope you had a coupon.  Foil is expensive.

Chris:  I don't know who this is either.  Look at that guy's face in the background.  That's pretty cool.  He looks confused.  It must be the worst, being the people in the background.  You're making stupid faces, and you're just trying to do your job.

Alyssa: Lupita Nyong'o, this dress is just wrong-o on you.  Purple is a good color on her at least?  

Chris: That was pretty funny.

Alyssa: Quilting meets Disney on Kerry Washington. Six year old me would want to wear this.  Okay, 33 year old me wants to wear this.

Chris:  Put Kate Hudson back on!

Alyssa: And the prize for "dress using the most fabric" goes to...Felicity Jones.

Chris: Who is Felicity Jones?  No seriously.  I'm trying to figure it out.  Wait!  Look at that guy in the background with his same dumb face.

Alyssa: Claire Danes in her So Called Dress.  Claire, the 70's called.  They want this back.  Actually, they don't.  Just burn it.

Chris: Claire Danes still looks really good.  She aged well.  Good on you, Claire Danes.  What is she, like, our age?
Alyssa (looking at Google): She's 35.
Chris: I hope I look that good at 35.
(Note: Chris is 34.)

Alyssa: And finally, Little House on the Prairie meets 80's kitchen wallpaper meets potato sack.  Congrats, Kiera Knightly!  This is the most hideous thing I've ever seen someone wear on purpose.

Chris: Wow that's really ugly.  Why does her boyfriend look surprised that someone's taking a photo of him?
Alyssa: She used to date Orlando Bloom.
Chris: I feel like he dated down.  She dated up.
Alyssa: Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber.
Chris: I'm not saying anything bad about Orlando Bloom.  I'm just saying that he dated down.

Alyssa: Any closing thoughts, Chris?
Chris: I'd like to thank Kate Hudson for wearing that dress.  That's really all I have to say.

And there you have it, folks!  Hope you enjoyed!