Yes, everyone wore the same color, but I'm a professional here. So without further ado, here are Golden Globe outfits, graded.
Black Dresses, Arts & Crafts Division
Brittany Lopez was like "I see your black dress, and I raise you a black dress WITH HEARTS AND STARS CROCHETED BY MY GRANDMA."
I bet it converts in to a cozy throw post-show.
Grade: B
And Alison Sudol's grandma did these panels surrounded by ric rac. But why she let her out of the house in that top, we'll never know.
Grade: C-
Fun fact: Steve Carell made this dress for Nancy Carell using his new embroidery machine.
Also fun fact: I made that up.
Grade: B-
Black Dresses, Sneaking in Color Division
In the "Sneaking in Color" Division, Paulette Washington really wanted to wear green, but also wanted to be mindful about sexual harassment. So she wore an emerald earrings and ring combo that could double as nun-chucks and brass knuckles.
Grade: B
Rita Moreno wore a biker-meets-pilot ensemble, but you know what? She's 86 and wearing leather pants, so kudos to her.
Grade: B-
Rita Wilson wore this firework-inspired number to announce that husband Tom Hanks will be Oprah's Vice President.
Grade: A-
Samira Wiley's dress (necklace?) had this...thing. I spent most of the night trying to decide how she kept it on. Double sided tape?
Grade: C+
Elizabeth Chambers wore this light blue liturgical sash. May the peace of Christ be with you.
Grade: C-
Allison Williams went as a Halloween decoration. I feel like this dress would be very itchy.
Grade: D+
Saoirse Roman embellished her dress with tin foil and forgot a sleeve.
Grade: C+
Shailene Woodley did...chain mail houndstooth?
Grade: D
Not to be outdone, Mary J. Blige did sexy chain mail.
Grade: C+
Allison Janey hatched that afternoon.
Grade: B-
Lawrence Fishburne wore the tablecloth and drapes from his local Asian restaurant. So, um, I guess he's celebrating diversity?
Grade: D+
Mandy Moore was determined to wear some red. Pretty sure I had a homecoming dress in this silhouette in the nineties.
Grade: C-, but only because it has pockets
Black Dresses, Activist Division
Michelle Williams arrived in this cute off-the-shoulder number along with Tarana Burke of Girls for Gender Equality, who was fiercely dressed and wearing some killer bracelets. Tarana founded the "me too" movement...12 years ago, you guys. She's been advocating for this long before hashtags were a thing.
Grade: A
It was appropriate that British actress Hermione Granger brought Marai Larasi, Executive Director of Imkaan, a UK-based organization that fights violence against women and girls. I liked this red carpet look even more than her Yule Ball dress.
Grade: A
Susan Sarandon is with Rosa Clemente, who is a journalist and "hip-hop activist." I did not know that was a possible career path, but I like it. In fact, she does a lecture entitled "Hip Hop as a Tool for Social Justice." I wonder how she feels about 99 Problems by Jay-Z. I also dig her shoes & necklace combo.
Grade: A
Amy Poehler arrived with Saru Jayaraman, an Indian-American attorney, author, and activist. Her fabulous earrings are only outmatched by her advocacy for restaurant workers.
Grade: A+
Meryl Streep walked the red carpet with Ai-jen Poo, who advocates for domestic workers and family care providers. She's the author of The Age of Dignity: Preparing for the Elder Boom in a Changing America.
Grade: I am unaware of the ability to give Meryl (and Ai-jen) anything other than an A+
Black Dresses, Hot Mess Division
Amanda Anka, your slip is show...um...missing. Maybe it ran off with the side panels of your dress. Also, you stole my "just woke up, gotta put my hair in a ponytail" hairdo.
Grade: F
Wait, Catherine Zeta Jones has also lost her slip! Maybe there was some slip stealing going on? I like the earrings, though. And the gentlemen handing out Moet.
Grade: D
Can Laurie Metcalf please borrow your iron?
Grade: C
No, Kendall Jenner. Just...no.
Grade: D-
Halle Berry picked this up from Forever 21. (It still looks good on her though.)
Grade: B-
Alexis Blede wore some seaweed, a cummerbund, sparkly scarf, and cigarette pant.
Grade: D
Not to be outdone, Sarah Jessica Parker wore pirate fishnet sleeves, a Renaissance Festival bodice, jewel-encrusted wedding belt, and a witches skirt. She earns my Worst Dressed of the Evening!
Grade: F-
Millie Bobbi Brown learned to sew just this afternoon! Would you believe it? (Yes you would.)
Grade: B-, for trying
Gwendoline Christie got mauled by a bear on the way to the awards.
Grade: F
Chris Hemsworth made me momentarily question my love of brocade.
Grade: C-
Angelina Jolie channeled the feather duster from Beauty & the Beast. But dang, her posture is on point.
Grade: C+
You know those "saloon dresses" they give you to wear when you take those old timey photos at Kings Dominion? California Balfe is wearing one of those.
Grade: D-, and that's being generous.
Sally Hawkins didn't get the "all black" memo until late, so she wore this velvet top from my closet circa 1994 + a the skirt from the time she was in an all women's chorus.
Grade: C-
Debra Messing couldn't decide on a beaded dress or a pair of black slacks, so she wore both. I really wish she would have done just the beaded top and the pants--that would have been cool. I'm digging her eye makeup and hair color combo though.
Grade: C
Black Dresses, Best in Black Division
Nicole Kidman understands how to do lace right.
Grade: A+
Naomi Campbell wins for best structured pleats.
Grade: A
I want Viola Davis' arms. And necklaces.
Grade: A
Gal Gadot, will you marry me in this menswear-inspired ensemble?
Grade: B+
Claire Foy played an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G Queen Elizabeth and I love the she wore a suit.
Grade: B+
Her on-screen husband, Matt Smith, also wore a black suit.
Grade: A
Kit Harrington also wore a black suit. Hello, Lord Commander. ;)
Grade: A+
William H. Macy is like "I'm here, I'm wearing all black, I'm wearing the pin, what more do you want?"
Grade: A
Alison Brie couldn't decide on a dress, pants, or diamonds, so she did all three.
Grade: A+
Laura Marano knows I'm a sucker for illusion lace and a full skirt.
Grade: B-
Dove Cameron knows how to do a bow correctly.
Grade: A
I also love a corset top, and Frankie Shaw looks nice in this one.
Grade: B+
And finally, Stranger Things' Noah Schnapp is 13 and was best dressed of the entire evening. Bonus points for earnest adorableness.
Grade: A++
Black Dresses, Arts & Crafts Division
Brittany Lopez was like "I see your black dress, and I raise you a black dress WITH HEARTS AND STARS CROCHETED BY MY GRANDMA."
I bet it converts in to a cozy throw post-show.
Grade: B
And Alison Sudol's grandma did these panels surrounded by ric rac. But why she let her out of the house in that top, we'll never know.
Grade: C-
Fun fact: Steve Carell made this dress for Nancy Carell using his new embroidery machine.
Also fun fact: I made that up.
Grade: B-
Black Dresses, Sneaking in Color Division
In the "Sneaking in Color" Division, Paulette Washington really wanted to wear green, but also wanted to be mindful about sexual harassment. So she wore an emerald earrings and ring combo that could double as nun-chucks and brass knuckles.
Grade: B
Rita Moreno wore a biker-meets-pilot ensemble, but you know what? She's 86 and wearing leather pants, so kudos to her.
Grade: B-
Rita Wilson wore this firework-inspired number to announce that husband Tom Hanks will be Oprah's Vice President.
Grade: A-
Samira Wiley's dress (necklace?) had this...thing. I spent most of the night trying to decide how she kept it on. Double sided tape?
Grade: C+
Elizabeth Chambers wore this light blue liturgical sash. May the peace of Christ be with you.
Grade: C-
Allison Williams went as a Halloween decoration. I feel like this dress would be very itchy.
Grade: D+
Saoirse Roman embellished her dress with tin foil and forgot a sleeve.
Grade: C+
Shailene Woodley did...chain mail houndstooth?
Grade: D
Not to be outdone, Mary J. Blige did sexy chain mail.
Grade: C+
Allison Janey hatched that afternoon.
Grade: B-
Lawrence Fishburne wore the tablecloth and drapes from his local Asian restaurant. So, um, I guess he's celebrating diversity?
Grade: D+
Mandy Moore was determined to wear some red. Pretty sure I had a homecoming dress in this silhouette in the nineties.
Grade: C-, but only because it has pockets
Black Dresses, Activist Division
Michelle Williams arrived in this cute off-the-shoulder number along with Tarana Burke of Girls for Gender Equality, who was fiercely dressed and wearing some killer bracelets. Tarana founded the "me too" movement...12 years ago, you guys. She's been advocating for this long before hashtags were a thing.
Grade: A
It was appropriate that British actress Hermione Granger brought Marai Larasi, Executive Director of Imkaan, a UK-based organization that fights violence against women and girls. I liked this red carpet look even more than her Yule Ball dress.
Grade: A
Susan Sarandon is with Rosa Clemente, who is a journalist and "hip-hop activist." I did not know that was a possible career path, but I like it. In fact, she does a lecture entitled "Hip Hop as a Tool for Social Justice." I wonder how she feels about 99 Problems by Jay-Z. I also dig her shoes & necklace combo.
Grade: A
Amy Poehler arrived with Saru Jayaraman, an Indian-American attorney, author, and activist. Her fabulous earrings are only outmatched by her advocacy for restaurant workers.
Grade: A+
Meryl Streep walked the red carpet with Ai-jen Poo, who advocates for domestic workers and family care providers. She's the author of The Age of Dignity: Preparing for the Elder Boom in a Changing America.
Grade: I am unaware of the ability to give Meryl (and Ai-jen) anything other than an A+
Black Dresses, Hot Mess Division
Amanda Anka, your slip is show...um...missing. Maybe it ran off with the side panels of your dress. Also, you stole my "just woke up, gotta put my hair in a ponytail" hairdo.
Grade: F
Wait, Catherine Zeta Jones has also lost her slip! Maybe there was some slip stealing going on? I like the earrings, though. And the gentlemen handing out Moet.
Grade: D
Can Laurie Metcalf please borrow your iron?
Grade: C
No, Kendall Jenner. Just...no.
Grade: D-
Halle Berry picked this up from Forever 21. (It still looks good on her though.)
Grade: B-
Alexis Blede wore some seaweed, a cummerbund, sparkly scarf, and cigarette pant.
Grade: D
Not to be outdone, Sarah Jessica Parker wore pirate fishnet sleeves, a Renaissance Festival bodice, jewel-encrusted wedding belt, and a witches skirt. She earns my Worst Dressed of the Evening!
Grade: F-
Millie Bobbi Brown learned to sew just this afternoon! Would you believe it? (Yes you would.)
Grade: B-, for trying
Gwendoline Christie got mauled by a bear on the way to the awards.
Grade: F
Chris Hemsworth made me momentarily question my love of brocade.
Grade: C-
Angelina Jolie channeled the feather duster from Beauty & the Beast. But dang, her posture is on point.
Grade: C+
You know those "saloon dresses" they give you to wear when you take those old timey photos at Kings Dominion? California Balfe is wearing one of those.
Grade: D-, and that's being generous.
Sally Hawkins didn't get the "all black" memo until late, so she wore this velvet top from my closet circa 1994 + a the skirt from the time she was in an all women's chorus.
Grade: C-
Debra Messing couldn't decide on a beaded dress or a pair of black slacks, so she wore both. I really wish she would have done just the beaded top and the pants--that would have been cool. I'm digging her eye makeup and hair color combo though.
Grade: C
Black Dresses, Best in Black Division
Nicole Kidman understands how to do lace right.
Grade: A+
Naomi Campbell wins for best structured pleats.
Grade: A
I want Viola Davis' arms. And necklaces.
Grade: A
Gal Gadot, will you marry me in this menswear-inspired ensemble?
Grade: B+
Claire Foy played an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G Queen Elizabeth and I love the she wore a suit.
Grade: B+
Her on-screen husband, Matt Smith, also wore a black suit.
Grade: A
Kit Harrington also wore a black suit. Hello, Lord Commander. ;)
Grade: A+
William H. Macy is like "I'm here, I'm wearing all black, I'm wearing the pin, what more do you want?"
Grade: A
Alison Brie couldn't decide on a dress, pants, or diamonds, so she did all three.
Grade: A+
Laura Marano knows I'm a sucker for illusion lace and a full skirt.
Grade: B-
Dove Cameron knows how to do a bow correctly.
Grade: A
I also love a corset top, and Frankie Shaw looks nice in this one.
Grade: B+
And finally, Stranger Things' Noah Schnapp is 13 and was best dressed of the entire evening. Bonus points for earnest adorableness.
Grade: A++