Alyssa Ruins Everything - Revenge of the Sith

Chris: Does the crawl really just begin with the word "War!"
Alyssa: Yes, it's like a third grader wrote it.  Alternately, it looks like a tweet written by our current president.  "Count Dooku has bugged my phone!  Evil is everywhere!"

In a stunning move, this opening crawl is terrible.

And we begin, as we always do, in space, with a giant battle in over Coruscant.  

Alyssa: Are Anakin and Obi-Wan are wearing gold burger king head sets?
Chris: They have to take drive-thru orders.
Alyssa: On what Star Wars planet are there Burger Kings?
Chris: Multiple.  Don't you think there are franchises in space?  But they're probably called something else.
Alyssa: Bantha King?
Chris: Bantha King.

"Would you like blue milk with that?"

Obi-Wan and Anakin are doing a terrible job fending off some vulture droids.  One of them almost gets R2D2, but IT Helpdesk Obi-Wan saves the day by telling R2 the vulnerable spot on the vulture droid at the last possible second.  They land in an Empire ship, and R2D2 plugs in to a port to show the ship's schematics so that they can rescue the captive chancellor. Chris: "I feel like they need some better Cyber Security."  Okay, here comes General Grievous.

Alyssa: Gen Grievous is my favorite Star Wars Bad guy.
Chris: WHAT?!
Alyssa: I mean after Darth Vader.  Darth Vader has the Lifetime Achievement Award.  Darth Vader is the Meryl Streep of Star Wars villains.
Chris: Did you just compare Meryl Streep to Darth Vader?
Alyssa: Yeah, I mean in terms of mastery of their respective fields.

What do Meryl Streep and Darth Vader have in common?
They're not overrated.

Anakin and Obi-Wan are having trouble getting to the chancellor to rescue him, because they're stuck in an elevator.  They are trying to get R2 to help them, while also revealing his position through their com link.  Apparently R2 does not have a mute button.  They eventually find the chancellor and also Count Dooku (aka Christopher Lee). The chancellor says that Christopher Lee is a Sith Lord, and Obi-Wan says "Sith Lords are my speciality!"
Alyssa: What do you think Anakin's speciality is?
Chris: Sith Lords.
Alyssa: What?  No!  He literally becomes one!
Chris: Exactly. He's the BEST at Sith Lords.

Anakin and Christopher Lee have a lightsaber duel, and Christopher Lee awkwardly tries to give Anakin career advice about how he needs to let the hate flow through him.  Anakin says he's not going to take that advice...and then thirty seconds later, he lets the hate flow through him by executing Christopher Lee.  Other notable actors then get in line to be executed via lightsaber, in order to get out of this terrible movie.

Your employment as a Career Counselor has come to an end.
Here's your severance agreement.

Palpatine, Anakin, and Obi-Wan try to escape, but having trouble with the elevator AGAIN.  Which means that they're about to carry on the grand Star Wars tradition of falling down a long shaft.  

They are ultimately captured and brought before brought before General Grievous.  Grievous says he thought Anakin would be older, and Anakin tells Grievous he thought he'd be a little bit taller.  He thought he'd be a baller... 

Now you'll have THIS song in your head all day.
You're welcome.

Mayhem ensues, because as Chris says, "Maybe you shouldn't bring the effing space wizards on to the bridge of your ship!"

General Grievous escapes by busting out of the ship's windshield in to space, since he doesn't need oxygen and does not care about anyone else, ever.  EVER.  Plus he is just willing to dip out whenever things aren't going his way, and wait until another day to kill some Jedi and steal their internal organs or whatever.  And THAT is why he's my favorite Star Wars bad guy.  

ANYWAY, Anakin and Obi-Wan take on the glamorous job of flying half a ship in to the Coruscant Interplanetary Airport.  I guess since they're a booming metropolis, they have airports everywhere.  After landing, they get on the People Mover (Chris: they have hyper drive, but you still have to take a People Mover?) and go to the Senate.  And there's wifey Amidala hanging out behind a giant pillar, lookin' like this.

Chris: "They're not doing a good job of hiding this.  She's barely behind the pillar, and he's spinning her around in the air when he sees her."
Alyssa: "Props to Amidala for having the Leia buns.  Aaaand here's the pregnancy announcement."

Anakin and Amidala talk about "OMG wtf what should we do?" and come up with the amazing answer of "I don't know!" while Chris and I come up with the better answer of "quit being a Jedi and a Senator and do something a little less risky, since you'll have a kid at home.  Maybe moisture farming."

Chris: Do you think that you could get a droid to watch your kid all day?
Alyssa: If you had enough money.
Chris: I don't know what the economic structure of Naboo is, but I bet Amidala has some money from being queen.  She could swing that.

Anakin and Padme go to her house to retire for the evening, and he is having terrible dreams about Padme being in pain, so he wakes up, and puts his head in his (half metal) hands.  He goes out on the balcony to brood.  Padme comes out in her pearl-encrusted nightgown (seriously, how is that comfortable?) so they can discuss What Should We Do with Our Lives, Part II, and again decide on...nothing.

I feel like I'm not wearing enough jewelry to bed.
Could you give me a hand?

The next morning Anakin goes to talk to Yoda, in a room with ottomans and dim lights.
Chris: Where are they?
Alyssa: Counseling.

Yoda tells Anakin to Let It Go.  And that his co-pay will be $25.

After counseling, Anakin goes to fight with his other lover: Obi-Wan.  They get testy discussing his friendship with Palpatine.  So Anakin runs to Palpatine, who appoints Anakin to be his personal representative to the Jedi counsel, which is not how this works.

That's not how any of this works!

Samuel L. Jackson tells Anakin that he can be on the Jedi Council, but he won't be a Master.  Anakin throws a hissy about it.  There's some tactical discussion, and the resolution is that Yoda will go see the Wookies, because he has "good relations" with them.  Chris: "Why would you have good relations with 7 foot dogs?  You're a 2 foot goblin!"

Obi-Wan and Anakin fight AGAIN about Palpatine, because the Jedi Council wants Anakin to spy on Palpatine.  Obi-Wan says it needs to be off the record.  Chris: "Why does it need to be secret? Do they have a stenographer on the Jedi Council?"

Aaaaaaaaaand we're back to Days of our Naboo Lives, where Padme is wearing a football helmet. 

 They're fighting about politics, because Anakin has just revealed that he's a Trump Supporter.  He basically tells Padme to call her Senator if she doesn't like it.  Then she delivers one of the BEST lines in all of the prequels, which is something like "Hold me like you did on Naboo!" which is what I tell Chris when he's trying to be romantic and I'm trying to be ridiculous.

Once again, Anakin runs to see Palpatine, this time at the Star Wars Opera Bubble Show. Everyone is lookin' fancy, but he's just wearing his daytime Jedi robes. Embarrassing.  (Okay, for real, I was looking for a picture of this, and it turns out that this opera HAS A NAME and it is...Squid Lake.  I am not making this up.)  

Can we get food delivered to our box seats?  Maybe some calamari?

Now it's Palpatine's turn to do some career counseling, which he does with literature and biology (Darth Plagueis!  Midichlorians!).  Palpatine is more effective than Christopher Lee in this regard, because he keeps both his hands and his head.

Cut to... Kashyyyk!  It's the Wookie planet, and also makes an excellent password when your employer makes you change your password every 90 days.  Yoda has dialed in to the Jedi Council conference call.  They decide to send Obi-Wan to fight General Grievous.  But first, there's a fan-service fight on the beach of Kashyyyk, with a bunch of Wookies and bow-casters.

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan (and his Bantha King headset) take off in a plane to Utapau, while Anakin has more nightmares.  He and Padme talk again about his career goals, while Padme wears an Amish funeral dress.  Anakin says he has a way to save her, and she's all "jigga what?"

This Amish dress was too plain.  I added some jewelry.

Obi-Wan lands on Utapau, and talks to their President?  (Wookiepedia says it's the Port Administrator.  Ooooh, demotion!) Obi-Wan basically says "blink twice if you need help" and the guy is like "BLINK, BLINK."  Then Obi-Wan procures a giant lizard to ride.
Chris: Where did he get that thing?  The Exotic Mounts store?  And why isn't he just taking the elevator to get to General Grievous?
Alyssa: Remember, they have problems with elevators.
Chris: True, but why is the next best option a LIZARD?

General Grievous and Obi-Wan have an epic lightsaber battle, which is the second best part of this movie.  Grievous has four lightsabers, and I remember being seriously concerned for Obi-Wan when I saw this in the theater, even though I know that he lives and grows up to be Alec Guinness.  The clone troopers show up to help out (remember, they're still good, right now).  General Grievous takes off in a mechanical hamster wheel (because again, he doesn't mind running away when it makes sense), and Obi-Wan summons Mr. Lizard.

Meanwhile, in career counseling (OMG more of this?!), Palpatine says he knows the Dark Side, which initially concerns Anakin, but Palpatine says "oh, it was merely a General Education credit...I studied a lot of things during my undergrad."  Anakin holds him at lightsaber-point, then says he's going to turn Palpatine over to the Jedi Council.

Back to Hamster Wheel and Mr. Lizard.  Obi-Wan has dropped his lightsaber, but no matter, because he has stolen Grievous' plasma q-tip and is fighting him with that.  

I had to Google for a long time to find out that this is called an "Electrostaff."

He even manages to stab Grievous with it, but Grievous is not going down like that.  Grievous gets a little more stabby and punchy, eventually getting his plasma q-tip back, but it's too late: Obi-Wan has opened his chest cavity and shot him with a blaster that was lying nearby.  Obi-Wan shot first.

Does anyone have any Mylanta?
I'm having serious heartburn.

Anakin tells Samuel L. Jackson about Palpatine, and SLJ tells Anakin to stay out of it; he'll take care of it.  Anakin broods in the Council Chambers.  Padme broods at her penthouse.  "All by Myself" by Celine Dion plays in the background.  Okay, it doesn't, but it should.  Anakin cries.  

There's no crying in Star Wars!

Samuel L. Jackson shows up with his squad to arrest Palptine. A light saber duel ensues, and SLJ accidentally breaks all the glass in the window, which is not gonna be good for him in a minute.  The Chancellor starts using his force lightening, which SLJ rebounds with his purple light saber.  Then Anakin shows up (of course) and he and Samuel L. Jackson debate about what to do with Palpatine.  Ultimately, Anakin steps in and cut's Jackson's hand off.  Why are people always cutting other people's hands off in this series!?  Palpatine uses force lightening on him to throw SLJ out the window.

Palpatine holds a little investiture to make Anakin Darth Vader, while Yoda feels a great disturbance in the force.  Palpatine tells Anakin to kill all the Jedi, and Anakin is a little too okay with this.  
Chris: "I mean, he screwed up, but he's the only one who saw it.  It's not like he can't back out right now!"
Alyssa: "Yeah, I think I'd walk out of that meeting and go get an adult."

Oh thank God, we're back on the Lizard Planet.  Obi-Wan has found Mr. Lizard, and the clone troopers reunite him with his lightsaber.  Moments later, Palpatine gives Order 66, to kill all the Jedi.  The stormtroopers fire on Obi-Wan, and he and Mr. Lizard fall into a big pond.   
Chris: The biggest travesty of this film is that Mr. Lizard dies.
Alyssa: No he doesn't.  He survives.  He's a Water Lizard.
Chris: No he doesn't!
Alyssa: Yes he does!  Just like how all of the deer on the side of the road are Just Sleeping.

See!?  She's getting up any minute.  She's just tired.

Now a bunch of Jedi are killed, including Conehead, Lara Croft Twilek, Plo Kloon (dammit!), and an Ashok-looking lady on a speeder.  Two stormtroopers try to take out Yoda, but he's too quick for them.  

You in trouble, girl.

Back on Coruscant, Padme cries as C3PO tells her that Anakin is okay even though the Jedi Temple is on fire.

Chris: "Don't people here have cell phones?!"

Anakin and Padme reunite and discuss again that everything is Effed Up.  Yoda, Jimmy Smits, and Obi-Wan meet to also discuss that everything is Effed Up.  Anakin heads to Mustafar, the lava planet, where the Separatists are hanging out.  (We have not mentioned the Separatists until now, because they are super terrible characters.)  Palpatine tells the Separatist Leaders that his apprentice will be showing up to "take care of them."
Chris: "You guys should probably leave."
Alyssa: "Yeah..."

Anakin kills them all.

Yoda and Obi-Wan go back to the temple to broadcast a message telling all the Jedi to GTFO, and discover that Anakin done went and killed errybody.  Obi-Wan is not taking it well.  Yoda tries to have an Oprah moment with him about how to Live His Best Jedi Life.  Obi-Wan is able to calm down and receive the information, because he's better at yoga and meditation than Anakin.

Jimmy Smits and Padme go to a special session of the Senate.  Padme wears a shiny metal boomerang in her hair.  Palpatine declares that the Republic is now the Empire in order to ensure "safety and security."  (Oh hey, maybe that line sounds familiar everybody?!) Padme delivers the best line of the film: "so this is how liberty dies--to thunderous applause."

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, GIRL.

"Oh man, I'm gonna have to increase my donations to the ACLU, " thinks Padme.

Obi-Wan and Padme chat about how now Anakin is a Sith Lord, and Obi-Wan needs to kill him. Obi-Wan leaves by saying "Anakin is the father, isn't he?  I'm so sorry."  Padme, would you like some ice to apply to that sick burn?

Back to Mustafar, Anakin is crying AGAIN.  The camera pans over a bunch of dead bodies in the control room and elsewhere.
Alyssa: "It's gonna take forever to clean up that conference room."
Chris: "Mustafar is a factory.  There are still dudes out there mining lava.  They're gonna be pretty pissed when they have to walk over all those bodies to get to their car."

Cleanup, Aisle....Cleanup on all aisles!

Padme shows up on Mustafar, so that she and Anakin can fight and cry on a completely different planet.  Padme plays "Come Away with Me" by Nora Jones.  Anakin says "nah, let's rule the galaxy together instead," and Padme FINALLY figures out she's married to a psychopath and is having his baby.  But she tells him she loves him (girl, GIRL!) and he force chokes her almost to death.

What to expect when you're expecting: Force Choking.

Now Obi-Wan and Anakin fight.  Chris and I discuss the inner workings of a lava-mining operations.  They literally are fighting balance-beam style on a pipe over a lava field.
Chris: Don't you think they could move their fight somewhere else?

Obi-Wan is yelling at Anakin that "Emperor Palpatine is Evil!" and Anakin screams back "FAKE NEWS!"  

Obi-Wan gets the high ground, and literally tells Anakin that it's over, because, well, he has the high ground.  Anakin gets cocky and attacks Obi-Wan, who SLICES OFF HIS LEGS AND REMAINING HAND.  Damn.  Obi-Wan can't kill Anakin because he loves him like a brother, so he...leaves him to literally burn to death?  Do the humane thing, Obi-Wan! (Side note: I'd hate to be Obi-Wan's elderly dog.)

In the aaaarms of the aaaaangels...

Meanwhile, back in the Senate, Yoda and Palpatine fight, and Palpatine cackles and giggles A LOT.  Yoda escapes by calling his Jimmy Smits uber, because apparently THEY have cell phones.  Yoda says he has failed and he'll go in to exile.
Alyssa: "Finally!  Someone taking accountability for this situation!"
Chris: "But why does he have to go in to exile?"
Alyssa: "He's out of options."
Chris: "He needs to get some more Jedi.  Start training them!"
Alyssa: "He's pretty upset.  He needs to have some Thinking Time."

Emperor Giggles.

Back on Padme's ship on Mustafar, she asks if Anakin is okay, and Obi-Wan is basically like "lookoverthere!"  He takes her to the Urgent Care on an asteroid.  Some medical droids tell Yoda, Obi-Wan, Jimmy Smits, and R2D2 that she's dying because she's sad, and they need to deliver her babies STAT.
Alyssa: "Why does Obi-Wan get tapped as the birth coach?"
Chris: "Maybe there's a shortage of medical staff at that urgent care?"
Alyssa: "I feel like all the men played rock/paper/scissors for who had to go in the delivery room?"
Chris: "That's kind of effed up.  He basically just had to murder his brother.  I feel like he should be able to sit this one out."

This medical droid keeps saying "boo-bah!" to Padme.  Which I think it the equivalent of "breathe!"
I've never been in labor, but if I was, I think I'd punch a medical droid in its face if it told me to "boo-bah."

Palpatine picks up the charred remains of Anakin, and they try to put Humpty Vader back together again.  Now it's HIS turn to ask how his spouse is doing.  Palpatine is like "hey idiot, you killed her," and Anakin responds by breaking everything with his mind and dramatically yelling "NOOOOOOOOOO!"  We, for our part, discuss where they got the Vader costume so fast.  Is that standard issue for a quadrapalegic burn victim?

Jimmy Smits, Yoda, and Obi-Wan have a Child Protective Services meeting.  Jimmy Smits says he'll take Leia.
Chris: Don't you think you should...oh, I don't know...call your wife about this?!
Alyssa: For that matter, shouldn't Obi-Wan call Owen and Beru and ask if it's okay if he drops off an infant?
Chris: There are definitely two phone calls that need to be made.

We're back on Naboo, at Amidala's funeral.
Alyssa: I love this scene.  It looks so cool.  I want my funeral to look just like this, with ribbons in my hair and everything.
Chris: There's no way I'm doing that.
Alyssa: I'm going to put it in my will.

Here's an inspirational montage, Chris.

Jimmy Smits brings Leia to Alderaan and hands her off to his wife.
Chris: "Hey, this one act will get us all killed, and destroy our whole planet...doesn't she have any questions?  Is he going to tell her, 'hey, here's a child of a Sith Lord and my dead coworker?'"
Alyssa: There's gonna be trust issues in that marriage.

Owen and Beru get Luke, and stare off in to the sunset(s).  Obi-Wan walks away.

Roll Credits.
Alyssa: Uuugh.  This movie is so terrible.
Chris: Directed and written by George Lucas.  You're welcome, America!