The Kate Middletons of Hawaii

Prior to visiting Hawaii, I did not realize that they had palaces and royal residences there.  (I was vaguely aware that they had a monarchy at one point, being forced to memorize that Queen Liluokalani was the last ruler of Hawaii for some sort of middle school history class.)  Alas, many of the palaces and residences burned or were bought, then turned in to hotels or parking lots.  Boooo.

But! At this point, over multiple trips, I've visited three of the (very few) remaining ones: The Iolani Palace, Queen Emma's Summer Palace, and Hulihe'e Palace.  So, here's a super brief and abbreviated history of the Hawaiian monarchy and pictures of some of their palaces!  

The Hawaiian monarchs were tight with the British Monarchy (heeeey Queen Victoria, hey girl!) so there's some entertaining connections.  But let's start at the beginning.  Kamehameha the Great "unites" the Hawaiian islands in the early 1800s. And by "unites" I actually mean kills and/or terrorizes lots of people until they all agree that unification is a good idea.  

Any time you go on a tour and see a lovely cliff, or a river, or whatever, there's always a plaque to tell you "Here's where Kamehameha the Great pushed 10,000 people off a cliff!" or "Kamehameha the Great's warriors stabbed so many people and threw their bodies in this river that it turned bright red!"

He's a lover AND a fighter.

So of course there is a statue of him. And a highway. And a lot of other things.  It's also fun to hear the Google Maps voice try to pronounce Kamehameha. "Turn left on to kah-may-ha-may-HA Highway!"  It's like an inside joke that only Google Maps understands.

This statue is on Oahu, where we did not go this time, but have been three times before.
I know, I really shouldn't tell you these things when it's 30 degrees outside.
Fun fact though: just around the corner is the Bail Bondsman, Dog, the Bounty Hunter.

He is succeeded by Kamehameha II, whose big contribution to Hawaiian society (after being heavily influenced by Queen Haahmuanu) is that he breaks the taboo against men and women eating together, and decides it's okay for women to eat pork and bananas.  As a woman who loves both pork chops and bananas, I appreciate that.  He goes to London in the 1820s, and dies from measles, because that's what happens to ANYONE that goes to visit London in the 1820s.

Queen of pork and bananas.

So now we're on to Kamehameha III, who redistributes the land, which turns out to be a Bad Idea.  I don't remember why, it was just bad.  That's all he's known for--screwing it up.

Next is Kamehameha IV (these people are not original with the names) and Queen Emma, who are big on healthcare and education. Queen Emma had a Summer Palace, which oddly enough is a Greek Revival Mansion built and shipped from Boston. Of course.  Queen Emma was totally BFFs with Queen Victoria.  And, according to the customs of the times, they exchanged locks of hair.  Because that's not totally creepy!  "You're pretty cool, and we're both monarchs--here, take this HAIR."

You know what this tropical climate needs?  More New England architecture.

Anyway, the house has lots of gorgeous artifacts, particularly items crafted in Germany out of native Hawaiian koa wood. But you can't take pictures of anything in the house. In fact, you are instructed not to touch, breathe on, or even think about the artifacts too hard or you will destroy them.

UNLESS!

If you can play the piano, they will actually let you play the queen's piano and take one picture of you doing so. So I played "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" because it is short and in the key of C.   You guys, I played a piano that belonged to a Queen!  (Not on this trip, but still.  I'm gonna add it to my resume.)  The piano was made by Ascherberg in Dresden between 1865-1870.  Also, I really like this pink tank top from Banana Republic.

But back to our friends, the Kamehamehas and friends.

Here's Queen Emma, looking all fancy.

Queen Emma's husband, Kamehameha IV gives his son, Albert, a cold bath because he's misbehaving--I guess that's the Hawaiian equivalent of "go stand in the corner."  Unfortunately, Albert dies within two weeks. Even though the cold bath wasn't the cause of his death, Kamehameha IV blames himself and drinks A LOT.

Like, a whole lot.

This is unfortunate, because alcoholism and asthma don't mix, and here's where Kamehameha ends up as a result:

The tomb of the Kamehamehas at the Royal Mausoleum.

I've been to the Royal Mausoleum, which is Not in America because it is sovereign land of the Kingdom of Hawaii. After a lecture about not being stupid American tourist jerks, we got to tour it.  Seriously, the tour guide threatened to beat anyone who chewed gum, was loud, or took pictures of native Hawaiians at the graves of the Kamehamehas.  Fortunately, we were a pretty compliant bunch, I guess because I was doing this particular tour one time when Chris was working, so he wasn't there to scream out "Jurassic Park rocks!!!" or anything of the sort.

And actually, there was a school group of Hawaiian kids there, so we got to see parts of the Mausoleum that we wouldn't normally see, like the crypt and a glimpse inside the Chapel.  But under threat of death, I did not take pictures, so they are all in my mind.  The crypt is white marble with gold.  The interior of the chapel is surprisingly pink.

I don't think we're in America anymore!
You can see the stairwell to the crypt in the foreground.
The above ground tombs are to the left of the Chapel.

Queen Emma had a number of royal residences, and we got to see another one of her palaces on our most recent trip: the Hulihe'e Palace in Kona.  Like her Summer Palace on Oahu, this one was saved by the Daughters of Hawaii.  I want so bad to be a Daughter of Hawaii because they wear designer white mumus and do fancy things, but one must prove that she is a direct descendant.  Alas, I doubt I will find any Hawaiians in my Scots-Irish lineage.  Should you not be a Hawaiian descendant, but rather just a fan, you can join the Daughters by becoming a Calabash Cousin.  The calabash is a specific type of bowl, also used for poi.  Here's what one looks like.  It's gorgeous, so if you ever need a gift idea for me, well, here you go.

Okay, so Hulihe'e Palace.  We went to Kona for the day, so I tortured Chris and our friends with touring it.  This one is SUPERCLOSE to the ocean, unlike the Iolani or Summer Palaces.  And it, too, has some gorgeous artifacts that you can't take pictures of.  And you know I am someone who doesn't like to violate the official rules, but I seriously thought of snapping some cell phone pictures of the hand-carved trunk used to travel to Queen Victoria's Jubilee in London.  But Chris shamed me in to only taking pictures of the outside, so here they are:

You can see through the front door that the ocean is out back.

Seal of the Kingdom of Hawaii.

I love their historic markers!!

If you guessed that Kamehameha IV was succeeded by Kamehameha V, congratulations. His official residence was the Iolani Palace. At this point, I think I was getting really interested in the period furnishings, so I couldn't really tell you what Kamehameha V did. Or Lunalilo and then Kalakaua, who came next. But they had a nice palace, which had electricity before The White House or Buckingham Palace.

The interior is gorgeous in terms of the hand carved wood.  In the entrance hall, you have to wear shoe protectors so you don't scratch or damage the floor.

And there's a throne room!

One of the kinda sorta sad things about the Iolani Palace is that when the monarchy was dissolved, many of the furnishings were sold off, so now they're in the process of trying to find them.  They literally tell you on the tour "so if you know of any artifacts that are from the Iolani Palace, please tell us, because we'd like to buy them!"  Fortunately, they've been able to recover quite a bit in recent years.  But many of the pieces are other places--for example, from what I could tell, Hulihe'e Palace has WAY more of the Iolani Palace's china than the Iolani palace itself does.

Okay, back to the monarchy.  Finally, there was Queen Liluokalani, who was unfortunately around when the Americans (aka The Committee of Public Safety) decide to be jerks and claim Hawaii--particularly one American named Sanford Dole--so think about that the next time you're having some canned pineapple. Also, his grandfather was named Wigglesworth (Seriously?  Seriously!). 

More like "The Committee of A-holes."

ANYWAY, Liluokalani temporarily abdicates (which turns out to not be so temporary) to prevent the bloodshed of her people. 

Here's her statue.  She was all about diplomacy.

They lock her in the Iolani Palace where she sews a quilt and writes some sad songs (in fact, she is the composer of Aloha Oe) and eventually is let out, but it is too late and the monarchy is dissolved. We got to see the quilt that Liluokalani sewed during her imprisonment, which made me feel like a stupid American tourist jerk.

And in the end, America finally gets around to apologizing for the whole thing in 1993.