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Game of Thrones Week 2 Recap

On this week's Game of Thrones (tv spoilers ahead--I haven't read the books):

 King Justin Bieber (aka Joffrey) marries Margaery Tyrell despite the fact that she has the most hideous hairstyle ever displayed at a wedding.  I guess curly troll doll hair is the accepted style when one is marrying the second biggest psychopath in Westeros.

 Speaking of psychopaths in Westeros, we unfortunately have to see Ramsay Snow and the artist-formerly-known-as-Theon.  And lots of juxtaposed pictures of sausages. 

Ramsay proves how he's broken Theon by letting him shave his neck while telling him about how his dad killed Theon's brother-from-another-mother, Robb Stark.  Theon doesn't cut Ramsay when given the chance, and even more stupidly doesn't cut himself.  Go be with the Lord of Light, or the 7 Gods, or ANYONE BUT RAMSAY SNOW, THEON!
Man, I feel pretty close to having PTSD just looking at this picture.  Poor Theon.
Then it's off to the woods with one of the three characters that I think is named Bran, and he has some visions, and Hodor yells "Hodor!" and nothing really happens to advance that interminable plot.
I wonder how long this actor spends practicing his lines.
In case anyone cares what Melisandre, Queen of the Renaissance Festival Costumes is up to (anyone? anyone?) she's busy burning things.  Well, in this case, people.  Specifically, Stannis' brother-in-law, who Stannis likes.  Dammit, Stannis!  Looks like Robert and Renley got all the smarts in that family.
ANYWAY, the last time we saw Melisandre burn things, it was leeches, while she condemned Joffrey, my boyfriend Robb Stark, and Balon Greyjoy to death.  (Note to Balon Greyjoy: I wouldn't go to any weddings if I was you.  Not that you're the wedding-going type.)

 After the world's most awkward double-date (in which both Melisandre and Stannis' wife bring Stannis as their date), Melisandre tries to have "the talk" with Scale-face, I mean, Shireen.
Maybe you should put some Vitamin E cream on that?
Okay, back to the Bieber nuptials, already in progress.  Everyone is lining up to give the king fake congratulations and/or set themselves up as possible murderers.  You know, the usual wedding activities.

 First, there's Ser Bisexual of Dorne.  Well, I guess he technically only talks to Cersei.  Details, details.  At any rate, he's mad at Daddy Lannister for killing his sister, which means he should just get in line behind everyone else in Westeros.

 Next we have Brienne of Tarth, who looks so much cuter with this haircut.  Turns out she's in love with Jamie.  I think she should go for it--he has a thing for blondes.

 We also get a visit from Grandma Tyrell, who wears this weird head scarf thing so much that I think she might be hiding Lord Voldemort under there.  Which is fine, because Voldemort is still nicer than Ramsay or Joffrey.

 And of course Sansa and Tyrion are sitting near Joffrey, and are Prime Suspects in his death, which means they didn't do it.  Mostly because Sansa is just so freaking stupid.  Fortunately, Ser Drunks-a-lot whisks her away so she'll be safe, and I can ONLY HOPE that he's taking her across the sea of Wellbutrin to the Land of Xanax.

 Oh, and I guess technically Loras stormed out, but since he's more stupid and more mopey than Sansa, he definitely didn't do it.  Plus, something tells me that he faints at the sight of blood.

 Did anyone else noticed that Varys looks totally pissed off the entire time? I'm pretty sure it's just because he didn't like who he was seated with at the reception.
OMG, I can't believe they put me at a table with crazy Aunt Edna.
Anyway, King Biebs ends up like this, while Jamie and Cersei make it so obvious that they're his incestuous parents.
You might want to have that looked at.
And Natalie Dormer is free to marry someone else.  Again.  Hopefully with a better hairstyle next time.  And a better husband.

 Did you like this blog entry?  If so, please consider donating $5-10 to my charity walk for The March of Dimes.  (Or I'll send Ramsay Snow after you.)

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